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Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin

"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.

Mackenzie Moore

Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'

“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.

Mackenzie Moore

Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States

“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.

Mackenzie Moore

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The Desk

Old, worn-out toothbrush silently begging to be put out of misery

"God, please end this hellish agony. Assign me to toilet duty — I'll do anything!" shrieked the $5 Oral-B product.

Mackenzie Moore

May 30, 20242 min read

Source: Bronny James 'likely' to be drafted by dads on community rec center team

"After winning state in '96, I was like a king at school. Now, I can't even get a hug from my daughter's choir teacher," scoffed Brierson.

Mackenzie Moore

May 29, 20242 min read

Coworker waiting until your mouth full to ask question

"I know it's time to approach when I see someone try to shove a heaping forkful of Green Goddess salad down their gullet," said Lowe.

Mackenzie Moore

May 22, 20242 min read

Athletic raccoons, mercury poisoning, and Harrison Butker

The Desk 5/16/24

Mackenzie Moore

May 16, 20242 min read

Lying mom insists happy children all she wanted for Mother's Day

"Oh, gosh — I had a great Mother's Day! It's really not like me to want a whole to-do," lied Milton.

Mackenzie Moore

May 13, 20242 min read

Local man looking forward to catching Northern Lights right outside window when TV less interesting

"You never know when they'll air an episode of 'Storage Wars' for the last time," said Suamico, Wisconsin's Rich Schmitz.

Mackenzie Moore

May 13, 20242 min read

RFK Jr.: 'The presidency should go to whoever can eat the most worms'

"I say we find a playground on a rainy morning, scoop some worms into a bucket, and find out who the real top dog is," said RFK Jr.

Mackenzie Moore

May 9, 20242 min read

Boeing, rap feuds, and Columbia University

The Desk 5/6/24

Mackenzie Moore

May 6, 20242 min read

Dick's Sporting Goods to only stock tents after being named top retailer of new homes

Mays hopes to move back into an apartment once she's done paying off medical bills for an ointment she received after stepping on a bee.

Mackenzie Moore

May 1, 20242 min read

Report: Anti-fascist Columbia University demonstration somehow not work of antifa

Despite "anti-fascist" being the namesake, antifa oddly only seems to be blamed for pro-fascism events.

Mackenzie Moore

Apr 30, 20242 min read

Otherwise untoned man's bulging calves impossible not to ogle

"Gosh! Those meaty little water balloons could just pop!" said mother of three and local insurance agent Dede Oltman.

Mackenzie Moore

Apr 29, 20242 min read

Tourists, rat holes, and blobfish Weinstein

The Desk 4/25/24

Mackenzie Moore

Apr 25, 20242 min read

Caleb Williams to skip NFL draft after learning other players will be drafted same night

Only one thing could ruin the top quarterback's big night — having to share it.

Mackenzie Moore

Apr 24, 20242 min read

Car celebrating Earth Day by refusing to start

The Honda acknowledges that the demonstration may partially be a passive-aggressive response to having hot coffee spilled all over it again.

Mackenzie Moore

Apr 22, 20242 min read

O.J. Simpson, 'Golden Bachelor,' and Lunchables

The Desk 4/13/24

Mackenzie Moore

Apr 13, 20241 min read

New York earthquake, Alabama police, and Conan

The Desk 4/5/24

Mackenzie Moore

Apr 5, 20241 min read

Boss' April Fools' Day prank just throwing employee appreciation event

"I looked back at what I did for past employee appreciation days, then reworked those ideas as if I actually cared," chuckled Darragh.

Mackenzie Moore

Apr 1, 20242 min read

Phone call postponed until in public bathroom stall

"I needed the best audio quality possible, so I wasn't taking any risks — I headed straight to the men's room at Long John Silver's."

Mackenzie Moore

Mar 27, 20242 min read

March Madness, happiness, and pig kidneys

The Desk 3/22/24

Mackenzie Moore

Mar 22, 20242 min read

Employee fired after losing office March Madness bracket competition in first round

"Unfortunately, she doesn't know jack about hoops," said Ingles' boss.

Mackenzie Moore

Mar 21, 20242 min read